Cable Access' Finest

Alas, I think I have found the funniest things ever created in the 80s, and we all know that is not an easy task. Thanks to the amazing nostalgic power of Youtube and the incredible uploading efforts of one intuitive user named Sharpeworld, the world has been reunited with the 1980s cable access clasic "Stairway to Stardom."

The show is a regular Smörgåsbord of awkward, spandex-wearing, mullet-rocking, color guard loving, talent show fun. I could go on and on about how ridiculous some of the guests on this show are, but why when I can just show you.


First off, we should introduce Mr. Frank Masi, the host of Stairway to Stardom. Masi, whose gold chain necklace, pornstar mustache, and sweet threads make him look like the homepage to the sex offender registry Web page, is the perfect host to the lineup of freaks and creeps that you will soon know and love. Here Masi opens the show with his own delightful theme song.




Next up we have the incredibly creepy Dante. In fact, Dante is so creepy Mr. Masi seems to ask our permission before he unleashes the hairy man without a last name to sing the theme from "Exodus."




Next up we have the Hal Green Trio performing "I Can't Get started." I can honestly say this may be the oldest/most of tone band I have ever heard. If you are every having trouble with annoying neighbors, put this ditty up as high as it can go. They will be gone in no time.



Next we have the stunning duo of Horowitz and Spector doing their best to emulate SNL's Sweeney Sisters with their cabaret performance of "Diet Pills."



I don't really have to try to make fun of the next video. Here is tap dancer Jennefer Jorgensen tapping to a Dixie Medley. I personally love her car wash inspired arm bands.



Apparently Jennifer lent her outfit to young Melissa Ann Ledwon who really rocks the air piano here with an all out party to the elevator song "They're Playing Our Song."



Something makes me think the next performance was Mr. Masi's idea. Here is the eerily underage performance of Louise Mascia singing "Let Me Entertain You." *Please note if you have pets you might want to turn the volume down a little before playing this one.



The folks at Stairway to Stardom really stepped up the budge for Mark Conner's performance of his original song "I Got Eyes." Note the bitchin' special effects and the incredible set design.



The Mellowettes were apparently too busy picking out backwards sweaters. Mr. Masi also seems confused with this one deeming the girls the "Mellonettes".... classic.



Next, get ready for the sweet sweet moves of Raymond Lucky. I can almost taste the courvoisier.



The next performer falls into the deadly awkward category. Young Lola "L-O-L-A" Perazzo performes her vesion of Michael Jackson's Thriller while wearing a flesh suit. At the end creepy Mr. Masi asks her for a kiss! Ewwww.



I don't say this lightly, but the next one nearly made me pee my pants. Michelle Sutlovich single-handedly puts herself in the lead as my Halloween costume next year with her "Fame" inspired dance. If Tina Turner and Edie Beale had a child with ADHD, this would be the result.



And now for a commercial break from the charismatic performer/horrible reader, Evie Day.



I know what your thinking: "This is great but what about a meaningful message for the kids." Well, lucky for you, rapper BJ the Messenger has your answer with his ski-mask inspired rap "Crackhead." Something makes me think this one hits a little close to home for BJ. One youtube subscriber put it best when they said "he wears the ski mask so he doesn't get burned by the fire he spits."



The funk drips off Reason to Live's performance of "Funky Groove."




Have you ever wondered how the love of a hutch can be embodied? Perhaps you've considered bashing someones brains into the God Damn radiator? Precious Taft ponders those subjects and more in the following video.



Finally, I have saved my personal favorite for last. Straight out of the mall and into your home, Tiffany impersonator Lucille Cataldo (a.k.a. Teasa Louise), performs her original hit "Hairdresser Hairdresser" while wearing perhaps the greatest black pleather suit I have ever witnessed.



There are many many more great Stairway to Stardom Visits not uploaded all over Youtube. Be sure you check them out. Even better, read the comments. It's amazing how much hilarity these performances have inspired in people.