Cable Access' Finest

Alas, I think I have found the funniest things ever created in the 80s, and we all know that is not an easy task. Thanks to the amazing nostalgic power of Youtube and the incredible uploading efforts of one intuitive user named Sharpeworld, the world has been reunited with the 1980s cable access clasic "Stairway to Stardom."

The show is a regular Smörgåsbord of awkward, spandex-wearing, mullet-rocking, color guard loving, talent show fun. I could go on and on about how ridiculous some of the guests on this show are, but why when I can just show you.


First off, we should introduce Mr. Frank Masi, the host of Stairway to Stardom. Masi, whose gold chain necklace, pornstar mustache, and sweet threads make him look like the homepage to the sex offender registry Web page, is the perfect host to the lineup of freaks and creeps that you will soon know and love. Here Masi opens the show with his own delightful theme song.




Next up we have the incredibly creepy Dante. In fact, Dante is so creepy Mr. Masi seems to ask our permission before he unleashes the hairy man without a last name to sing the theme from "Exodus."




Next up we have the Hal Green Trio performing "I Can't Get started." I can honestly say this may be the oldest/most of tone band I have ever heard. If you are every having trouble with annoying neighbors, put this ditty up as high as it can go. They will be gone in no time.



Next we have the stunning duo of Horowitz and Spector doing their best to emulate SNL's Sweeney Sisters with their cabaret performance of "Diet Pills."



I don't really have to try to make fun of the next video. Here is tap dancer Jennefer Jorgensen tapping to a Dixie Medley. I personally love her car wash inspired arm bands.



Apparently Jennifer lent her outfit to young Melissa Ann Ledwon who really rocks the air piano here with an all out party to the elevator song "They're Playing Our Song."



Something makes me think the next performance was Mr. Masi's idea. Here is the eerily underage performance of Louise Mascia singing "Let Me Entertain You." *Please note if you have pets you might want to turn the volume down a little before playing this one.



The folks at Stairway to Stardom really stepped up the budge for Mark Conner's performance of his original song "I Got Eyes." Note the bitchin' special effects and the incredible set design.



The Mellowettes were apparently too busy picking out backwards sweaters. Mr. Masi also seems confused with this one deeming the girls the "Mellonettes".... classic.



Next, get ready for the sweet sweet moves of Raymond Lucky. I can almost taste the courvoisier.



The next performer falls into the deadly awkward category. Young Lola "L-O-L-A" Perazzo performes her vesion of Michael Jackson's Thriller while wearing a flesh suit. At the end creepy Mr. Masi asks her for a kiss! Ewwww.



I don't say this lightly, but the next one nearly made me pee my pants. Michelle Sutlovich single-handedly puts herself in the lead as my Halloween costume next year with her "Fame" inspired dance. If Tina Turner and Edie Beale had a child with ADHD, this would be the result.



And now for a commercial break from the charismatic performer/horrible reader, Evie Day.



I know what your thinking: "This is great but what about a meaningful message for the kids." Well, lucky for you, rapper BJ the Messenger has your answer with his ski-mask inspired rap "Crackhead." Something makes me think this one hits a little close to home for BJ. One youtube subscriber put it best when they said "he wears the ski mask so he doesn't get burned by the fire he spits."



The funk drips off Reason to Live's performance of "Funky Groove."




Have you ever wondered how the love of a hutch can be embodied? Perhaps you've considered bashing someones brains into the God Damn radiator? Precious Taft ponders those subjects and more in the following video.



Finally, I have saved my personal favorite for last. Straight out of the mall and into your home, Tiffany impersonator Lucille Cataldo (a.k.a. Teasa Louise), performs her original hit "Hairdresser Hairdresser" while wearing perhaps the greatest black pleather suit I have ever witnessed.



There are many many more great Stairway to Stardom Visits not uploaded all over Youtube. Be sure you check them out. Even better, read the comments. It's amazing how much hilarity these performances have inspired in people.

Ironically An Horse at Iron Horse

On your mark. Get set. Go!

Not to wear out the puns, but An Horse is really poised to make their imprint as the newest in a line of funky pop duos to emerge in recent years. The melodic/smart/latte-loving pop sound of the Australian duo of Kate Cooper and Damon Cox is just itching to jump into the newest Old Navy ads.

I admit, this kind of Tegan and Sara, Bell and Sebastian sound is not for everyone all-day, everyday, however I guarantee your toes will have difficulty resisting an all out tapfest during songs like "Postcards." Coincidentally, Mercedes Benz thinks similary. The luxury car company recently used the song in a commercial. Could the zippy sound of An Horse be enough to bail out the auto-trauma stiking the nation? I'm doubtful.

The great thing about An Horse: They want to travel all the way from Australia to share their love and tunes with the Valley. Ok, they were going to be in the states for a tour anyways, but we can pretend this trip is intimate can't we?I suggest you come see them will fellow indie troubadour Telekinesis (Michael Benjamin Lerner) at the Iron Horse on June 12. Buy tickets here NOW!

If not, check them at one of the other dates below. Also, I've attached a cool An Horse "widget" so you can see for yourself.

PS: If you are at the show, stop by and say hello to Pioneer in the Valley!


Upcoming Shows

May 19 2009
8:00P
The Casbah
San Diego, California

Jun 7 2009
8:00P
Schubas Tavern w/ Telekinesis
Chicago, Illinois

Jun 8 2009
8:00P
Pike Room w/ Telekinesis
Pontiac, Michigan

Jun 10 2009
8:00P
The Horseshoe w/ Telekinesis
Toronto, Ontario

Jun 11 2009
8:00P
Club Lambi w/ Telekinesis
Montreal, Quebec

Jun 12 2009
8:00P
Iron Horse Music Hall w/ Telekinesis
Northampton, Massachusetts

Jun 13 2009
8:00P
Union Hall w/ Telekinesis
Brooklyn, New York

Jun 14 2009
8:00P
Mercury Lounge w/ Telekinesis
New York, New York

Jun 16 2009
8:00P
Kung Fu Necktie w/ Telekinesis
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Jun 17 2009
8:00P
Black Cat Backstage w/ Telekinesis
Washington DC, Washington DC

Jun 18 2009
8:00P
Local 506 w/ Telekinesis
Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Jun 19 2009
8:00P
The Earl w/ Telekinesis
Atlanta, Georgia

Jun 20 2009
8:00P
The End w/ Telekinesis
Nashville, Tennessee

Jun 21 2009
8:00P
Off Broadway w/ Telekinesis
St Louis, Missouri

Jun 22 2009
8:00P
Slowdown w/ Telekinesis
Omaha, Nebraska

Jun 23 2009
8:00P
Hi Dive w/ Telekinesis
Denver, Colorado

Jun 27 2009
8:00P
Rescue Rooms w/ Silversun Pickups
Nottingham

Jun 28 2009
8:00P
Thekla w/ Silversun Pickups
Bristol

Jun 30 2009
8:00P
02 Academy w/ Silversun Pickups
Birmingham

Jul 1 2009
8:00P
Stereo w/ Silversun Pickups
Glasgow

Jul 2 2009
8:00P
Academy 3 w/ Silversun Pickups
Manchester

Jul 3 2009
8:00P
Audio w/ Silversun Pickups
Brighton

Jul 5 2009
8:00P
The Windmill
Brixton

Jul 6 2009
8:00P
02 Academy w/ Silversun Pickups
Oxford

Jul 7 2009
8:00P
Heaven w/ Silversun Pickups
London

Jul 8 2009
8:00P
Camden Barfly
London

Jul 10 2009
8:00P
White Light @ The Lexington
London

Jul 17 2009
8:00P
Slottsfjell Festival w/ Kaiser Chiefs, The Streets, The Wombats, Foals, Turbonegro & more
Tonsberg